Today was...

Today was a lot of things.  Not all of them good, but not all of them bad.  I think I'm deciding to call today "empowering". 

I could go into detail about how miserable a day it was (and trust me, it was pretty awful), but you know what?  It's the end of the day and I'm alive to tell.  I took care of some serious business today that I'm not sure I would've said I could handle on my own.  I did it.  Alone. 

At one point, I was driving home sobbing and I thought about bungee jumping. Days like today are the reason why that was so important.  I did that.  By myself. I did today.  By myself.  I am capable of handling scary, nasty, awful, miserable situations by myself.  (OK, I may have called my mom and brother for support at a couple points, but the actual doing of what needed to be done was all me.)  MOTU was incommunicado today, so I was the only person I could rely on.  And I. DID. IT.

I know this is enigmatic and completely unrelated to quilting, but today was a day I can be proud of, in spite of a few tears.  I did good.  I did the best I could, and it's enough.

I hope everyone else had an empowering day too.

ICHDW?

I can has dezine wallz too?

YES I CAN!!!

The weekend's evolution:

Forgive the poor picture quality - I left my camera at work, so I was using my phone for these.  All the blocks for my quilt have been sliced and diced, and now I'm working on sewing together the rows.  It's a slow process, so I actually took a break and started on the last QFK that I have in my pile...think I won't be requesting more from them for a while, as every time I do it seems to take me MONTHS instead of the weeks they request.  Maybe next year I'll be more active.

In any case, regarding this "me quilt".  I won't lie...I'm not completely in love with it.  There's too much red I think.  I think at best it'll end up being a couch quilt or maybe a guest bed quilt for people who come visit in February.  I'm sort of a little considering selling it...anyone interested?  It's 4x6 blocks, and blocks are roughly 15 inches to a side (probably closer to 14 by the time hacking is done)...so what's that, 56x84, give or take?  It'll fit a full-sized bed nicely I think.  I haven't done anything even close to quilting yet (in fact, I don't even know that I've got batting for it right now), and the backing is up in the air.  If you're interested, shoot me an email or leave a comment and we can discuss.  Otherwise, come visit next February and enjoy it yourself!  :-P

This weekend turned out to be pretty great.  MOTU and I had a little tussle on Friday night, but mostly that's because I hadn't really realized how *real* this USMC thing is getting, now that he's going through MEPS (he went Wednesday).  I keep saying I've come to terms with it, and that I'm supporting him...I have and I am, but the fact is I don't want him to go.  Like, seriously.  If I could live with myself telling him to forgo his passions because I'm too selfish to want to see him hurt or killed or worse, I would.  But as the woman who's 2.5 months shy of promising to love, honor, and cherish him for the rest of our lives, I simply can't take this away from him.  My God I wish he'd pick anything else in the world to be passionate about though.

So maybe next year will see a shift in my patterns and causes.  Maybe I'll find a VA hospital to volunteer at and donate to.  Maybe Kini will be calm enough to be a therapy puppy (HA!) for the veterans there.  Maybe it'll all work out like it does in the movies.  Or maybe it'll work out  better because we're stronger than those silly 2-D movie personalities.  At least we don't have real kids yet.  Just strange 4-legged ones.

Speaking of, the balance in the house has once again shifted.  Kini is back in the kitchen, but so is Shelby.  She's moved out from under the sink in the bathroom and now sleeps on a towel on the floor by the fridge. I think we did this to ourselves...we've been getting food for her from the fridge to reward her for being 'brave' and coming out of whatever room she's haunting at the time.  Now, you can't even open the door without her stepping into the darn thing.  Last night I was the most loved person in the world.  I was in the kitchen, making a PB&J for MOTU, and every last one of the critters (MOTU included) was arranged around me, staring expectantly at what I was doing up on the counter.  I had the sad job of informing all but one that they were not to be eating what I was making.  Shelby didn't even hiss at the other two!  I wonder if peanut butter could solve that whole fiasco in the Middle East...maybe I'll send MOTU with a few jars when he (inevitably) gets deployed.  It'll help him make friends with the locals, I'm sure of it.  :-D

In any case, I need lunch.  If you're curious what I'm eating, check out my cooking blog!

I wish I could claim lack of sobriety...

...but the fact of the matter is, I came up with this while I was driving:

(this is in the copy/paste format of facebook updates, for those of you who aren't friends on there.  Yeah, I publish this crap publicly and my momma's proud (or at least tolerant) of it.)

"just realized how awesome my wedding date is. It's the square of two consecutive primes. That only happens three times a year, and at most one of those dates falls on a Saturday (ie, a usable wedding date). On our 38th anniversary, the date will be the square of three consecutive primes (9/25/49 -> 3/5/07). So in conclusion, I don't just get a wedding anniversary, I get a square root anniversary every year. :-D"

Then today:
"WOAH. I just realized that we both got engaged on and are getting married on perfect square dates (4/16 and 9/25). And if you set them up month/month/day/day, the square roots of the whole thing are 2/3/4/5. WOAH. Just WOAH. I also have deep mathematical insights into my mom and dad's birthdays if anyone's interested. On that note, good night."

And on Mom's wall:
"Was thinking about this while I drove today. Did you know the odds of having a birthday mathematically similar to yours in a given year are 8 in 73? You have fractional birthdays occuring on 3/10 and 6/20. You share that mathematical phenomenon with only 39 other birthdays. Dad has a fractional birthday on 3/2. He shares that mathematical phenomenon with only 89 other birthdays a year. HOWEVER, the fact that his half birthday is a date consisting of two prime number is significantly less common...that only happens 24 times a year. The Boy and I don't have fractional birthdays because either a) one of the numbers is a prime (mine) or b) there's no common denominator (both). So you and Dad have pretty awesome birthdays. The Boy and I have the
whole counting up thing going for us though (11/12 and 8/9) so that rocks too. Only happens 12 times a year, so the odds of having 2 kids like that are...well, they're something. "

Yup, that's what I think about when I'm driving.  Also what I think about when I'm swimming (which I haven't done in almost a year).  I think in fractions.  Is that weird?  I know the answer to that, hush.

Anyways.  Paddington is as done as it's gonna get before I ship it off to Mom to finish.  Unfortunately, I finished it the morning before she sent me an email about a charity that sends dresses to little girls in Africa, which she's really excited about.  Damn. Oh well, maybe I'll send a couple pillow case dresses along too. 

Wrapped in Hope is coming along.  I've got an assembly line thing going with that and I've got the top and bottom pieces in place on all the center pieces.  Trust me, it'll make more sense when I have pictures to go with the rambling.  Alishia's quilt remains in the pile, and I think there's one more I'm forgetting...maybe a QFK?  Crap.  It's been a busy/mildly hellish week.  My company got acquired officially on Wednesday and while the new parent company is super excited about the whole thing, the first thing they did with us is lay off all our favorite manager types and give us new bosses we don't know or love like the old ones.  I've been there less than a month and I can vouch for the quality that they let slip between their fingers.  Sucks, but I guess that's life, right?  Anyways.  Between that and lining folks up to interview when we go up to VT (where the wedding is) and lining up all the paperwork to get married Catholic-style, it's been a crazy crazy week.  I think I also put together a registry, our wedding website, and our Save the Dates in there too.  Templated the invites as well.  Oh, and tentatively booked the photographer who I've been playing phone tag with.  Check him out and tell me what you think: www.erichauserphotography.com

Anyways, it's late and I've had a nontrivial amount of wine.  Time for bed.  Night all!!

Fencing Matilda

Did you know that flowers are really just loops?  And not terribly consistent ones at that?  Yup, turns out that's all they are.  Check out my free motioning:

I don't know if you can even see it, but I used pale pale pink along the fences to doodle daisy chains (at least that's what I'm calling them).  They're reasonably forgiving for the most part.

Now, the big question of the day.  Do I wear the jeans that are clearly too small (but are nice jeans and I'm tired of wearing polyester) or do I wear the polyester pants that fit better, are a little too long, but don't emphasize how bad quilting has been for my hindquarters?  Either way I'm wearing The Boots.

I've decided to start implementing a rewards program for myself...sewing is no longer something I just "get" to do...no no, ladies and gent, it has to be earned.  No more sewing without working out first.  Minimum of 500 calories burned.  This quilter's/desk jockey's spread has got to stop, and soon.

It's not you, it's me...

Uggghhh...quitting a job is like breaking up.  With like 80 people.  I had no idea so many people would care, and it feels great to hear that they do...but now I'm in the "was this really the right decision" part of the breakup where it would be easy enough to fall back into the comfortable and known.  But the damage is done, I've given my notice and sent in my acceptance letter.  There's not a lot more to do than tie up loose ends and say my goodbyes.

I know I'm doing the right thing.  I know this was the right choice.  There were just enough reasons that I simply am not passionate about working here anymore, and I need to leave before they fester.  It's been a great time and I've grown immeasurably with this crowd, but this is the right thing to do.

My boss's boss is coming to talk in half an hour and I'm terrified.  I have a lot of respect for this woman, and I feel like in another context (and if I were older and more confident in my abilities and "qualifiedness" to talk to her), we might have been friends.  Or at least gotten along well.

I'm realizing that I still yearn for acceptance from people I view as "grownups".  Part of me says I need to grow out of that and get over it and stop basing my self-worth on what others think.  However, I think a little need for acceptance is healthy.  It serves two purposes: 1. it keeps me humble and grounded.  If I start relying only on myself for affirmation, I'll get a bloated ego and will lose perspective of what's truly "good" work and what's just good because I don't want to do it anymore.  2. It reminds me to affirm those around me.  As I said before, I think it is SO important to tell people when they're doing a good job, even in the small things.  Gratitude is good, but a compliment just because someone did something right (as opposed to something right FOR YOU) goes a long way.  I don't want to forget how much I love positive affirmation, lest I forget that others love it too.

SO!  Go find someone who rocks and tell them they rock.  Even better, go find someone who's doing well at mundane, ordinary things.  Tell them they rock, even at the boring stuff.  Identify with someone in some small way, give them perspective, and give them affirmation.  (Tell your teenager you know it's complicated being alive, but they're doing great.  Isn't that what everyone wanted to hear?)

Wendy, you comment the most on my posts and that rocks!  I love seeing emails saying you've said hi!  Thank you!! :-D

The Big News

I'm sure all of you out there in blogland have been waiting with bated breath to hear what this big, life changing news could be, right?  ...right??  Yeah, sure.  :-P

Welp, here it is...

...drumroll...

...I got a new job!  Yay!  Right?  Yay?  Yay!

It's a great position that gives me a 12% pay raise and a promotion from entry-level to SENIOR writer!  (Skips junior entirely!)  It's at a smaller company, is closer to MOTU's house (though further from mine, so the first couple months of commute might be bleh), and has equivalent benefits.  The people seemed really great when I interviewed...I kept thinking "I could be friends with you outside of work for sure!", which is a very good thing I think.  The overall vibe of the place has everything that I love about TMW, without the "big company trying to act like a small one" feel to it.  That's not an insult to TMW, it's just a fact...the company has gotten bigger than I think any of the original owners ever expected, and it's hard to adjust to that kind of growth especially when it's rapid.  They're trying their best though.

In any case.  I gave my two (well, three actually) weeks yesterday.  It was a lot like breaking up with someone, including the "I swear I can change" bit and the "you'll never find anyone better than me" bit.  My boss handled himself very well though...he's a classy guy, and I'm bummed I won't be working for him much longer.  I've only been working for him for about 2 months, and he had no idea I was even looking for new work (very few people did, hence the secrecy) so this was kind of a blindside for him.  Even so, he didn't get angry or resentful, he just asked what they could have done differently and if I'd consider a counteroffer.  I was really really impressed with him (don't worry, I'll make sure his manager knows that).

On that note, I'm starting a new crusade.  You know how easy it is to tell someone when they're doing stuff wrong, but how hard it is to remember to tell them when they're doing stuff right?  My crusade is that whenever you're thinking something positive about someone, TELL THEM.  Maybe it's awkward to say it to their face, but find a way to make it work...maybe in an email, or maybe in an email to their boss.  One way or another, don't let the good vibes go unheard.  I found, in talking with my boss yesterday, that realistically speaking I might have considered working harder to keep this position if I'd heard just a few more words of perspective.  I would have taken criticism, but the fact is (it turns out) that no one said anything because I was doing everything *right*!  This is my first job as a tech writer, and one of my first jobs out of college...I had no idea if I was doing things right or wrong.  An email saying "hey, I saw what you did here...looks awesome!" would have gone SO far!  I was utterly dreading my performance review last year because I had no idea what would be on it...I was SHOCKED when it turned out to be entirely positive!  I thought the awkward silence meant I was doing all kinds of bad things but no one was confrontational enough to tell me...little did I know!

SO!  If you think someone rocks socks, TELL THEM NOW!  You never know what the other person's perspective of themselves and their work is, but a compliment can rarely hurt!

And now, for something completely different...

Forgive the complete digression here.  It does have something to do with quilting, I think.  Or it will anyways.

The past 2 or 3 weeks, I feel like I've been unfurling my destiny.  I think before now I honestly believed in free will...and I still do, to some degree.  But you know...genetic inevitability keeps rearing its ugly head.  Here's a quick look at my family tree:

So what we've got here is me, born on an Air Force Base, to a guy who just retired as a Colonel, who was born to a Navy officer, who also has a son who's in the Air Force and married to someone in the Air Force. I was born to my mom, whose oldest brother was in the Guard (I think) and whose other older brother was in the Air Force (graduated in '69 from the Academy I believe, then perished in Vietnam).  The oldest brother's son, my cousin, tried to join the Navy but couldn't be a pilot because of his sight.  That's the immediate family.  

Then, there's Nick's family...his mom and dad met in the Air Force (they were both officers I believe).  His mom was the Adjutant General of the VT ANG for a while.  She's remarried recently to a guy, Paul, who's a Marine.  I'm sure there are other cousins involved and I think his grandfather was in the Army.  

So what am I getting at here?  Well, Quilts of Valor is about to become very close to my heart.  Nick has, 85-90% sure, decided to join the Marine Reserve as an officer.   He's going to have a decision made by next week, but is planning on signing papers next Friday.  

Breathe. 

Keep breathing.

Now, I was raised military.  Until this week, I really hadn't been able to comprehend my mom's grace and composure.  I mean...the woman is a saint.  But we all knew that.  For 24ish years, she served in the military as loving wife and mother.  If moving around a lot and watching Dad leave periodically to places we'd never even heard of (and often didn't hear of until he got back) ever shook her, she never let us see it.  I honestly do not remember a single instance where my mom cried in front of us.  At least not about that.  

This week I've been faced with what I can only describe as a woman's most awful dilemma.  Nick is the love of my life and the man I hope to marry in the foreseeable future.  (He keeps saying he's "not sure if he's going to propose yet anyways", tongue fully in cheek, and I keep telling him I'm not sure I'd say yes anyways. Keep your eye out for a picture of something shiny, sometime before June.)  He's been working at a thankless job, doing stuff that is, at best, not terribly challenging.  He's extremely smart, hardworking, and a natural leader.  Until last week, I have never seen him so lit up as I have in the past week.  He's decided to join the Reserves as a challenge, and I keep saying if he wants a challenge I'll just buy him a Rubik's Cube.  In any case, here's the dilemma: I know that joining the military will make him happy.  I know it won't just make him happy, it'll make him fulfilled, and purposeful.  But I also know that there is a more than 50/50 chance that he will end up in some sandy, God-forsaken land for the majority of the next 4 years.  We don't have kids and don't want them yet.  But you know what?  I really like knowing that there's no one pointing a gun at him.  I really like knowing that, if he's not next to me in bed tonight, he's at his house and I'm at mine and we're both safe.  I like knowing we're in the same time zone, and that there's no one screaming at him and shoving his face in the mud.  I like that.  

But that's not my job, as his potential mate.  My job is to be his rock, to encourage him to follow his dreams, and to find the faith to pray that he comes home safely.  Ladies, I don't know if any of you out there can identify with this.  I've been near-tears for days now, but the irony is that when I'm with Nick he's so happy with the idea of this immense challenge that I can't help but get excited for him.  I can't help but encourage him and find out how to live like a military family on our own.  I can't help falling into a role that I was basically raised to fill...I can't help being a military wifey.  But man...when he's not here, all I can think of is how long he won't be around, and how scared I'll be until I can hear his voice telling me he's still alive.  

I saw this on a friend's facebook page and it just hit home for me: "Yes, the military changes you, but most of all it brings you closer to people you love. There are long separations, uncertain schedules, and so many sad goodbyes lots of reasons to cry together and to laugh at yourself. You're reminded every day of what you have, and what you have to lose. If only everyone were so lucky." --Nicole Hunter

My heart is aching at the thought of being away from him for so long...a year for training and then who knows how long for deployment?  I told him his punishment would be to watch me cry every time he left.  He hates it when I cry.  I feel the punishment fits the crime.  :-) 

In any case.  If you're still reading, thanks for watching me ramble.  I am scared, but I am strong.  I jumped off a 440 ft high bridge...I can do anything.  :-) 

Small Grumblings

So I played cards with a coworker at lunch today.  It was the second time I'd ever played, with the number of hands played still in the single digits.  Who could have guessed that I'd make a strategical error with numbers like that, huh?  (*rolling my eyes here*)  I always forget, the number one rule of Nerd Club is you do not screw up at Nerd Club.  (Number 2 rule YOU DO NOT SCREW UP AT NERD CLUB!!)  For those of you who don't know me personally, I'm a technical writer at a very very very (very) nerdy software company.  How nerdy?  We sponsor the Museum of Science.  That's how nerdy.  It's a great gig (for the most part), and I enjoy the work, but on occasion, the nerdiness gets to be a little much (which, if you know me personally, you're probably laughing at coming from me).  Some days, the word "algorithm" comes up a few too many times in casual conversation.  And when I say "casual conversation", I mean "what did you do this weekend, oh you had a date, how was it, I can plot the trajectory of this relationship" kind of casual conversation.  Yup, that's my life. 

What's great though, is that quilting (and sewing in general) gives me this sort of nerd release valve.  I won't pretend that I can do the geometric analysis of every block, but you know what?  There are doodles of triangles on my whiteboard at home...the one in my sewing room (incidentally, the one that fell and scared the bajeebers out of my poor kitty this weekend).  I'm finding that there is something so...healing...about putting on a movie I've seen a million times, warming up the space heater, and sitting down to do some good for someone I'll never meet. 

In college, I used to do a lot of volunteer work.  I used to identify with people, and I used to feel connected to the world.  Somewhere in my senior year, I lost that...maybe it was a bad breakup, maybe it was school kicking my butt, maybe it was something else entirely.  I don't know.  What I do know though, is that for nearly 4 years now, I've felt a sort of emptiness that wasn't there before.  I've been to church and I've done some volunteering, but everything just seemed like a square peg. 

Somehow...maybe it's because of the link between my mom, quilting, and spirituality...
...maybe it's because I can send my love for other people forward to them, without the possibility of rejection or hurt in return...
...maybe it's because of something much deeper that I haven't figured out yet...
...somehow, I've managed to start finding peace again, through quilting.  Maybe that's why I'm so hooked on buying fabric and supplies...it's not the shopping that gets to me, it's the "seeing beyond" if you will...when I run my hand along a light blue flannel print, I can see a little boy wrapped up in it, standing outside in flashing lights.  It's a horrible situation for him, but in a strange way I feel like that flannel connects me to him, and makes it so I can give him comfort, without ever even meeting him.  Is that strange? 

I've been obsessively finding quilting bloggers over the past few days.  I think I've added something like 60 or so blogs to my Google Reader thingy.  So far, I haven't found anyone in a similar situation to me (mid-20s, single, etc), but I don't feel alone.  So many quilters out there (mostly women) are such good people, and I love that! 

Friends at work laugh that I've become so "domesticated" lately (see my cooking blog for proof!) but don't at all see the draw to this...even my boyfriend (Nick) just nods and smiles most of the time (except when he knows he needs to be excited about something I've just finished...he's good like that lol).  I dunno...I guess it's nice to find a community of people who enjoy doing things for the love of doing them.  There aren't very many ulterior motives to quilting, really.  It's possibly the most innocent hobby ever (except maybe in the old days, when they used it to communicate...which I think is so badass). 

I dunno.  I'm rambling. 

Oh!  One more thing, then I'll knock it off, promise!  I just got my first ever request for a commissioned quilt!  My friend saw the I Spy quilt I made (I showed him pictures on the decoy blog lol) and just went nuts over it.  He has a toddler son who's just getting to the age that he understands stuff like that, so he's SUPER excited to have something to "light up his face" as he put it.  :-)  I think I'll designate the pink blanket to be the donation match for Arman's I Spy.